BODY TALK The Body Language Skills to Dec - King, Patrick

• Body language refers to the unspoken signals people send through physical behaviors, gestures, and expressions.
• Professor Mehrabian found that physical signals comprise 55% of communication, vocal tone 38%, and words only 7%. Body language is mostly universal and innate.
• Understanding body language is important for 4 reasons:

1. People factor body language into their overall impression of you. Communication involves both verbal and non-verbal signals which people integrate into a holistic impression.

2. Body language reveals your actual feelings and thoughts. Your body language can convey how you really feel even if your words suggest otherwise. People may perceive the incongruence.

3. Body language allows you to read between the lines. You can gain insights into someone’s feelings or thoughts through their body language, even without hearing what they say.

4. Body language allows you to connect with others. Displaying open and friendly body language can make you appear more approachable, engaging, and help build rapport.

• The book focuses on major body language signals used daily, for attraction, and lie detection. Body language works like words in a sentence and meanings depend on context and combinations. Interpreting body language takes practice.

• Effective communicators control their body language to match their words and avoid mixed messages. They ensure all signals are consistent with the intended meaning. Mastery of body language enables more effective communication.

Here’s a summary:

• You send out communication signals through your words, body language, and overall demeanor. People subconsciously assess these signals to form an impression of you.

• Much of this assessment happens through body language and non-verbals that people don’t consciously realize they’re picking up on. But body language has a powerful effect.

• Lacking body language awareness can hold you back. People are quick to judge, and body language influences those judgments. Great body language, on the other hand, can propel you forward even if you say the wrong thing.

• Your body language affects how people perceive you. They assess signals like your clothes, facial expressions, tone of voice, and word choice to determine your status and value. Body language is crucial for how much others like and respect you.

• Many body language quirks like shrugging, furrowed brows, raised heads, tight smiles, and smirks are everyday behaviors, but their meanings depend heavily on context. They can convey discomfort, annoyance, dominance, deception, curiosity, and more.

• A real smile that shows teeth is usually a sign of genuine happiness or amusement. But other types of smiles may hide negative feelings or be polite “masks.”

The key is to be aware of these common body language signals, understand how they might be misinterpreted, and ensure your verbal and nonverbal communication are aligned. Your body language has an enormous impact on your relationships and success in life. Mastering it can help you achieve your goals and connect with others.

• A real smile shows your upper teeth and causes wrinkles by the eyes. It indicates joy, entertainment, or amusement. Fake smiles show both upper and lower teeth, with wide unchanging eyes.

• Resting your head on your hand can indicate boredom, interest, tiredness, or anger. The meaning depends on the context.

• Certain body language, like firm handshakes, raised eyebrows, eye contact, open palms, and real smiles, can make you seem more trustworthy. Wrapping someone’s hand in both of yours also shows intimacy and support.

• Leg positioning and posture communicate confidence, power, respectability, and interest. Crossed legs can indicate discomfort, passiveness, or weakness. A wide stance is neutral, so you have to look at the hands and other signals.

• Toes pointed at someone show interest or respect. Toes pointed at exits show evasiveness or not wanting to be there.

• Your overall presence and how you carry yourself conveys your perceived power and confidence. Weaker, fidgety stances indicate less confidence in the company of more dominant individuals. Strong, still stances convey confidence and authority.

Here’s a summary:

• Hands hanging at sides can indicate defensiveness or anger. Clenched fists show rage.

• Clasped hands in front or behind shows confidence or thoughtfulness.

• Crossed arms usually means discomfort, anxiety, or boredom. But with good posture, it can show confidence.

• Open arms and hands show comfort, receptiveness, and openness. Closed arms and hands show the opposite.

• Rubbing hands together shows excitement or anticipation.

• Hand clenches often mean anxiety, frustration, anger or restraint. Higher clenches indicate more frustration.

• Praying hands show confidence or superiority.

• Rubbing chin or neck shows thinking, evaluation, boredom, frustration or intimidation. Finger tapping shows exasperation.

• The chest and how it’s protected reveals feelings of defensiveness, discomfort and security. Crossed arms usually mean discomfort but can just be a habit. Protection of chest shows perceived threat, impatience, confrontation, bad news, debate, etc. More coverage means less comfort.

• Body language signals from the arms, hands and chest as willful as they can be. They reveal subconscious feelings and emotions. It’s important to read them to understand how others really feel. Inconsistent signals can be off-putting, so be aware of the messages you’re sending.

• An open, exposed chest often indicates comfort, openness, and a non-threatening attitude. Clasping hands behind the back is an example.

• A puffed out chest shows strength, confidence, and readiness.

• Crossing one arm shows discomfort, uncertainty, and trying to fit in. It can also show focus. Tightly grasping the crossed arm shows insecurity and need for reassurance.

• Confident crossed arms with thumbs sticking out shows confidence, authority, and dominance. But crossed arms can also just show boredom.

• A horizontal torso or slumping shows boredom, fatigue, and disengagement.

• Facial expressions are hard to hide and contain many clues. Microexpressions are brief, involuntary expressions that reveal emotions someone wants to hide.

• Raised eyebrows show interest, friendliness, submission, curiosity, or surprise. Single raised eyebrow shows skepticism, shock, or surprise. Lowered eyebrows show anger, sadness, or feeling threatened.

• Eye direction provides clues. Looking up and to the right indicates trying to recall something visually. Looking down and left indicates discomfort. Lots of blinking shows trying to hide something or recover from shock.

• The “poker face” is difficult to achieve because microexpressions are hard to control. Context is key to interpreting expressions. Familiarity with someone provides more insight but also more ambiguity.

• Scratching, face touching, lip biting, etc. can indicate many emotions depending on the context.

In summary, body language provides many clues to someone’s emotional and mental state, but context is key and there is a lot of ambiguity. The face and eyes in particular provide a wealth of information, though it is often subtle and complex. Interpreting someone’s state requires awareness, knowledge of common patterns, and understanding the nuances of that particular individual.

Here are some key signals that might indicate deception:

• Eyes drift to the upper left - This can indicate the person is constructing a lie or imagining something that isn’t true. However, it could also just mean they are imagining something creative. Context is key.

• Non-directional eye movements - If someone’s eyes are darting around without focus, this could indicate deception. But it could also just indicate nervousness.

• Touching the face or mouth - Someone touching, rubbing or licking their lips could be a sign of deception. But again, it could also just be a nervous habit or dry lips.

• Vague or rambling statements - If responses are very vague, rambling or repetitive, this could indicate deception. Of course, it could also just indicate poor communication skills or nervousness.

• Hesitation - Pausing a lot or taking longer to answer questions could indicate someone is making up details. But some people are just naturally hesitant speakers.

• Qualifiers - Using words like “honestly”, “to tell you the truth” or “I’m not lying” could indicate deception. But some people just frequently use these types of qualifiers in their speech.

• Lack of details - If responses lack detail and seem superficial or implausible, this could signal deception. But the person could just have a poor memory or lack details about the topic.

• Defensive behavior - Acting defensive, angry or accusatory when questioned could indicate deception. But some people are just over-sensitive or quick to become defensive.

• Nervous behaviors - Excessive blinking, foot tapping, leg shaking, sweating or stuttering could signal nervousness due to lying. But many people display these behaviors naturally in conversation.

In summary, while certain signals may indicate deception, all of these behaviors could also have innocent explanations. The only way to determine if someone is lying with high confidence is to look for clusters of these signals, consider the overall context, and look for changes in the person’s normal behavior and communication style. But there is always a possibility of misreading someone, so these signs should not be considered definitive proof of deception on their own.

• In general, males and females differ in how they express attraction. Males tend to be more direct while females tend to be more subtle.

• When attracted to someone, males will often subtly straighten their back, suck in their gut and expand their chest to appear more confident and masculine. Females will often accentuate feminine features like cleavage, hair, hips, etc. to appear sensual. Both genders will groom themselves to appear more attractive.

• Fidgeting in males, like playing with objects or readjusting clothes, often indicates nervousness around someone they like. This signals a desire to impress.

• Strong, prolonged eye contact from a male often signals attraction or interest. Lack of eye contact likely means lack of interest. Eye contact, especially shy or stolen glances, from a female also often indicates interest or attraction.

• Crossed arms in males can indicate disengagement but can also be a display of confidence. It depends on other context. Leaning in, louder volume and more laughter are also common signs of interest in males.

• The amount a male leans in, both standing and sitting, often indicates how engaged or interested they are. More leaning in means more interest or engagement.

• Female body language signaling attraction tends to be very subtle. Strong or prolonged eye contact is one of the more obvious signs. Due to societal norms, females are often passive in expressing romantic interest and are hesitant of direct rejection. Their signals may be difficult to interpret and often contradict what they say. But their body language will usually reveal their true feelings.

So in summary, look for confident and engaged body language and behavior, eye contact, physical closeness and subtle feminine sensuality in females. But be aware signals may be mixed or subtle. For males, look for nervous and excited behavior, eye contact, laughter, leaning in and a straighter, more confident posture. Their signals are often more direct. But again, context is key.

• Eye contact that lingers a bit too long, especially paired with a smile, is a sign of interest. Dilated pupils also indicate comfort and attraction. Lack of emotion in the eyes during eye contact may signal only basic interest.

• Crossed arms can indicate discomfort or confidence, depending on how the arms are positioned. Touching you in subtle ways, like brushing your arm, is a strong sign of interest.

• Leg shaking can indicate either boredom or interest, depending on other cues. Pointing feet in your direction while shaking slowly can signal interest.

• Finger tapping can mean either boredom or a desire for more excitement in the conversation. Look for other cues to determine interest level.

• Excessive giggling or laughing, especially at things that aren’t really funny, often signals interest. People unconsciously try to make others like being around them.

• Covering the mouth, putting a finger over the lips in a “shushing” gesture, excessive coughing or nose rubbing are often signals that someone has just told a lie. Lying causes anxiety and discomfort, which manifests in fidgeting around the mouth.

• People aren’t naturally good liars. Lying causes confusion in the body, resulting in “tells” like changes in tone of voice or eye contact, facial expressions, posture changes, and hand gestures that seem out of place. With practice, liars can control their words but often not their body language.

• Allergy season often brings anxiety or deception. Covering eyes, avoiding eye contact are signs. Too much or too little eye contact can also indicate lying.

• Pulling an earlobe indicates discomfort, anxiety or deception. Blood flow increases to ears when lying.

• Neck touching shows discomfort. We instinctively protect our neck, so neck touching indicates doubt or uncertainty.

• Shaking voice or hands shows stress, like when giving a speech. Lying also causes stress and excess adrenaline, leading to shaking.

• Too many details or changing the subject quickly can indicate lying. Liars want to minimize time discussing the lie and avoid inconsistencies or further anxiety.

• Body language meanings differ across cultures. Some cultures are very indirect, using body language to communicate. Others are more direct. No culture ignores body language completely.

• Eye contact: Direct eye contact shows sincerity, openness and trust in Western cultures. It can be disrespectful in Eastern cultures. Timing and duration matter.

• Accepting things: In Eastern cultures, accept business cards, gifts, drinks, etc. with both hands. One hand is rude. Bowing, saying “thank you” and not quickly pocketing the item show respect.

• Pointing: Pointing at someone during a presentation is normal in Western cultures but aggressive and disrespectful in Eastern cultures. The OK hand sign also differs in meaning across cultures.

• Culture and context determine how body language is interpreted. Signals can differ significantly based on assumptions and experiences. Some signals are innate, but many differ across cultures. Be very careful with the overall signals you send.

• Body language is complex with many possible interpretations. But some signals are innate and convey meaning across cultures. Context, culture and innate instincts all play a role.

• The book provides foundational knowledge about reading body language and understanding nonverbal communication.

• Combining the knowledge from the book with your own life experiences will help you get better at understanding what others are feeling and thinking.

• Becoming highly skilled at reading body language and decoding nonverbal cues is a lifelong endeavor, but this book provides a good starting point.

• The book suggests you can get better at detecting lies, understanding the opposite sex, and reading people, if you practice the techniques.

• The author, Patrick King, encourages readers to put in the work to combine observations with the content of the book to master the skill of reading body language and nonverbal communication.

• The author has written several other books on social skills, charisma, conversation, and likeability.