Self Help

Captivate - Vanessa Van Edwards

Author Photo

Matheus Puppe

· 52 min read
  • The author, Vanessa Van Edwards, struggled with social anxiety and awkwardness growing up

  • She began studying human behavior and conducted her own experiments to improve her people skills

  • She shares the results of her research and experience on her website and social media, reaching millions of readers and viewers

  • This book provides a framework of 14 key “behavior hacks” to optimize how people interact and get along with one another

  • The book is divided into three parts:

    • Part I focuses on the first five minutes of interaction and making a good first impression
    • Part II covers the first five hours and how to read people and connect on a deeper level
    • Part III discusses the first five days and how to influence and lead others as well as build lasting relationships
  • The book shares research, stories, examples, and actionable strategies readers can apply to improve their social and communication skills

  • Additional resources like videos, photos, and exercises are available on the book’s website to supplement the content

  • The author promises that learning better people skills can significantly improve one’s life, career, relationships, and success

• Harry Truman overcame his shy personality and won the vice presidential nomination in 1944 through one-on-one rapport building and optimizing his interactions. He played to his strengths instead of trying to imitate the stereotypical booming presidential personality.

• People can tell when you’re being inauthentic. According to research, we are very perceptive at detecting “fake” behavior. We pick up on subtle cues like lack of eye contact, rigid body language, and forced smiles.

• The key to winning in social situations is to optimize your interactions. Play to your strengths, focus on listening, ask open-ended questions, make genuine compliments, use positive body language, and make eye contact. These techniques will make you appear more authentic and help you build rapport.

• Trying to imitate an extroverted personality when you’re naturally introverted often backfires. People will perceive you as inauthentic. It’s better to embrace your natural tendencies and make the most of them.

• The ability to optimize your interactions and build rapport with others is a skill that can be learned and developed over time. With practice, these techniques can become second nature.

• Remember, you can’t control how others act but you can control how you respond. Use this to your advantage in social situations.

  • You have two choices to approach social situations: try to fake extroversion by engaging in social situations that you actually dislike (like playing center if you’re short) or play to your strengths (like playing point guard if you’re better suited for that).

  • Trying to fake extroversion requires a lot of effort and comes across as inauthentic to others. Research shows that people prefer authentic interactions and can spot inauthenticity. Our emotions are contagious, and people pick up on how we really feel.

  • The author recommends developing a “Social Game Plan” to focus your efforts on social situations you actually enjoy and thrive in. This involves:

  1. Playing your position: Identify the social situations you thrive in, feel neutral about, and survive in. Focus your efforts on the thrive situations.

  2. Working a room: Map out how you typically navigate social situations and look for ways to vary your path to have new interactions. Look for opportunities to start conversations and make connections.

  3. Starting conversations: Have a few standard questions or conversation starters ready to break the ice in new social situations. Make eye contact, smile, and say hello to seem open and approachable. Listen and ask follow up questions.

  4. Following up: Reach out within 24-48 hours of meeting someone new to solidify your new connection. Reference something you discussed and express interest in staying in touch.

  • The key is to focus on authentic social interactions in situations you genuinely enjoy rather than forcing interactions in situations that make you uncomfortable. Develop the skills to navigate new social situations but apply them in places where you can thrive.

• The company observes people’s interactions and connections at events. They assign numbers to attendees and track their movements and interactions. At the end of the event, they analyze how many connections and business cards each person made.

• They have identified patterns used by the most successful networkers. By understanding these patterns, people can optimize their networking.

• They break down a typical event into three zones:

  1. The Start Zone: Where people first arrive. People are most distracted and anxious here, so it’s a “social trap” to try and network intensely here.

  2. The Side Zone: Areas like the bathroom, food area, and spots to meet people you already know. These are “secret traps” that can sideline you from meeting new people.

  3. The Social Zone: The area around the bar and host. These are “sweet spots” for networking. People here are ready to mingle, and you can easily start conversations.

• Some tips for working the room:

› Avoid the Start Zone and Side Zone traps. Don’t hover, pounce on people, or only talk to those you know.

› Hit the Social Zone sweet spots. Start conversations at the bar, near the host, on couches, or at tables where people are eating.

› Be a “Grazer” - get food and drinks in multiple small trips so you can take breaks to recharge socially.

› Know your “people” - identify your ideal connections and focus on them. Don’t try to appeal to everyone.

› Have a “team” - connect with like-minded people who can support you. Networking is easier together.

• In summary, optimize your networking by understanding zones and traps, playing to your strengths, and building connections with the right people. Be strategic and team up when possible.

• We form first impressions within the first 2 seconds of meeting someone.

• These initial impressions are very hard to change, even when we get more information.

• Nonverbal cues like facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, and posture strongly influence our first impressions.

• Arild Remmereit, the conductor, knew he had only a few seconds to make a strong first impression with the audience and orchestra. He conveyed confidence, joy, and rapport through his nonverbal communication and charismatic presence.

• His performance was a success, leading to new opportunities, because he was able to quickly build trust and convey his competence.

The key lessons are:

  1. Your first impression matters. People will judge you instantly based on your appearance and nonverbal behavior.

  2. Focus on your nonverbal communication like making eye contact, smiling, having an open and relaxed posture, and sounding engaged. These cues convey confidence, warmth, and professionalism.

  3. Build trust and convey your competence as quickly as possible. Remmereit did this through demonstrating self-assurance, passion for the music, and strong rapport with the orchestra.

  4. Your charismatic presence—how you make others feel—is key. Remmereit radiated a joy that captivated the audience and musicians.

  5. Practice and preparation help. Remmereit’s success was possible because he diligently prepared in just a few days. Advance work boosted his confidence and ability to lead masterfully.

The challenges are:

  1. Identify a high-stakes first impression situation you have coming up. How can you strategically prepare to convey confidence and build trust?

  2. Practice your nonverbal communication. Record yourself on video to identify areas for improvement and get comfortable being expressive.

  3. Focus on connecting with others by making eye contact, smiling, and being fully present. Your charismatic presence stems from how you make people feel.

  4. Bonus: Ask a friend or colleague for feedback on your typical style of first impression. Look for blind spots and incorporate their suggestions. Continuous improvement will serve you well.

My biggest takeaway is: First impressions matter immensely, so we must consciously work to make strong ones through our nonverbal communication, preparation, charismatic presence, and ability to quickly build trust. Though formed in seconds, their impact can last indefinitely.

• People form first impressions extremely quickly, within seconds of meeting someone. These first impressions are surprisingly accurate in assessing how honest, nice, and supportive someone is.

• A study found that students’ assessments of their teachers after just a two-second silent video clip matched the assessments of students who had sat through an entire semester in that teacher’s class.

• We are trying to determine three things about new people we meet: 1) Are they a friend or foe (for our personal safety)? 2) Are they a winner or a loser (to assess their confidence)? 3) Are they an ally or an enemy (to see if they will support us)?

• TED Talks that become the most popular do so not because of the content or speaker’s credentials but because the speaker is adept at passing through these three levels of trust quickly through nonverbal means. The top TED Talkers used nearly double the number of hand gestures as the least popular speakers. They also used posture and eye contact.

• Hand gestures show intention and help put people at ease. Keeping your hands visible, not in pockets, helps build rapport. A proper handshake, which is dry, vertical, and firm, also builds trust.

• Skin-to-skin contact like a handshake releases oxytocin, the “connection hormone” that facilitates trust.

• In summary, you can make a powerful first impression in seconds by using “the triple threat” of hand gestures, posture, and eye contact to quickly build trust and rapport. Keeping your hands visible and giving a proper handshake are two of the easiest ways to start.

The author discusses three key skills for making a good first impression:

  1. Shake hands to build trust. Handshakes release oxytocin, the “trust hormone,” in both parties. Always give a firm handshake and make eye contact to build trust.

  2. Have a confident posture. Research shows that appearing confident is the most influential factor in making a good first impression. Stand with your shoulders back, chin up, and arms uncrossed. This “winner’s pose” will make you seem confident and help build trust.

  3. Make eye contact. Eye contact releases oxytocin and signals that you like someone. Aim for making eye contact 60-70% of the time in conversation. This helps build rapport and makes the other person feel like you care about them.

The key to a great first impression is building trust, appearing confident, and connecting with the other person. Using skills like a firm handshake, good posture, and eye contact can help achieve this goal.

• People, including famous public speakers, often feel anxious before giving talks or presentations. However, there are strategies to overcome this anxiety and connect with your audience.

• Making eye contact, using confident body language, and sharing a memorable message or idea (the “Triple Threat”) can help build trust and connection.

• Jeffer Carrillo Toscano, a graffiti tour guide, is adept at creating “conversational sparks” and memorable interactions with his tour groups. He learns people’s names and backgrounds, tailors the tour to their interests, asks questions, and makes personal connections. This helps him get high ratings and reviews.

• Most conversations are like the “kiddie rides” at an amusement park—unmemorable “small talk” with little stimulation or excitement. “Big Talk” is like the thrill rides that produce an adrenaline rush and peeks of energy. It is marked by “sparks”—moments of pleasure and excitement.

• Sparks produce dopamine, a neurotransmitter that aids memory and makes information and experiences more significant to us. Using “conversation sparkers” like exciting or humorous stories, questions, compliments, and personal connections can create sparks and turn small talk into Big Talk.

• Asking good questions, listening, and finding common ground are ways to have more meaningful conversations and connections with people. With practice, creating sparks can become second nature.

The biggest takeaway is that creating memorable and meaningful conversations requires effort and intention. Using strategies to build connection, share an exciting message, and induce pleasure through conversational sparks can turn anxious or mundane interactions into impactful ones. With regular practice, these techniques can become habitual.

The key to sparking an engaging conversation is using “conversation sparkers” instead of dull, generic questions. Conversation sparkers introduce novelty by asking unexpected questions that get people talking about topics they find interesting or exciting. Some highly-rated conversation sparkers include:

  • What was the highlight of your day?
  • What personal passion project are you working on?
  • Have anything exciting coming up in your life?

These types of questions activate the brain’s “novelty center” and release dopamine, making the conversation enjoyable and memorable for both parties. They encourage deeper discussion by finding “hot buttons” - specific interests or topics that really excite the other person. Look for signs that you’ve hit a hot button, like increased nodding, leaning in, exclamations of interest, or expansive gestures. By honing in on hot buttons, you can transform a superficial exchange into an engaging interaction.

Using specific conversation sparkers and searching for hot buttons helps build rapport and ignite genuine connections with others. Sticking to dull social scripts and generic questions, on the other hand, leads to boring small talk and forgettable interactions. Pushing past social anxiety and comfort zones to try more novel approaches can lead to rewarding conversations and relationships.

Here are the summaries:

Noticed that your purse is handwoven—did you make it?: Showed interest in something unique about the person to spark a conversation.

I was curious about your accent—are you from here?: Asked an open-ended question about something distinctive to continue the conversation.

I was just looking at your bookshelf—you have great taste in reading materials!: Paid a genuine compliment and showed interest in the person’s interests or hobbies.

Your name is beautiful—is it a family name?: Asked an open-ended question about the person’s name to spark an interesting conversation.

I saw you posted some great pictures of your new dog on Facebook—what made you decide to get a dog?: Referenced something specific the person posted on social media to start a conversation and get to know them better.

The examples illustrate ways to initiate meaningful conversations with people by expressing interest in them and what makes them unique. Asking open-ended questions, paying compliments, and referencing specific details are effective ways to spark interesting dialogue.

The author took a vow of silence for 7 days to become a better listener. During this time, she attended her usual meetings and events but did not speak. She found that people loved talking to her and she made better connections.

This is because:

  1. Humans love talking about themselves. Studies show we spend 30-40% of our conversations talking about ourselves and get a dopamine hit from self-disclosure.

  2. The phrase “To be interesting, be interested” means that when you listen to others, they feel pleasure. The author realized her habit of constantly interrupting and planning what to say next was turning people off. Her silence allowed her to truly listen.

  3. The author learned that listening is a two-step process:

Step 1: Ask questions and listen to spark dopamine and pleasure in the other person.

Step 2: Honor what they say by responding and showing you were listening. A good conversation is two-sided.

  1. Alfred Sloan, the VP of GM, would personally visit dealerships and listen to the salesmen’s ideas. This was unconventional but allowed him to turn around GM’s sales. His “silent” listening technique led to learning and success.

In summary, the key to memorable conversations is listening. Spark pleasure in others by asking them questions and being interested in their responses. Then show you were listening by responding and honoring what they share. Silent listening can lead to greater learning, connections, and success.

Alfred Sloan, the longtime CEO of General Motors, was an expert listener. He spent most of his meetings silently listening and rarely spoke or took notes. After each meeting, he would send a memo summarizing the key points, next steps, and assigning responsibilities. This approach was very effective and helped turn GM into the largest car company in the world.

Sloan’s approach demonstrates two key skills:

  1. Be a highlighter: Bring out the best in people by highlighting their strengths. Listen for people’s wins, skills, and excitement. Celebrate them. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy and encourages people to become the best version of themselves.

  2. Be a raver: Introduce people in an enthusiastic way that highlights their best qualities. Don’t just do a boring introduction. Find something interesting or noteworthy to highlight about the person to make a good first impression.

In summary, listening well and highlighting the strengths of others are valuable skills that can motivate people and build connections. Silent Sloan was a master of these techniques.

  • Lewis Howes was a professional football player until he suffered a career-ending wrist injury at age 24.

  • He was left broke, in debt, and living on his sister’s couch.

  • He started building a career from scratch and discovered LinkedIn as a way to network.

  • He began personally messaging people on LinkedIn to connect and ask insightful questions about their experiences and careers.

  • This method of engaging others led to new connections, opportunities, and success for Howes. He built a network of over 500 influential people and landed major consulting deals.

  • Howes discovered that being sincerely curious about other people in a genuine, authentic way leads to powerful connections and relationships.

  • His networking success led him to build an online business teaching others how to develop strong relationship skills.

  • The similarity-attraction effect means that people tend to like and be attracted to those who are similar to themselves.

  • People find it easier to get along with those who share their interests, values, and experiences. Feeling similar to someone else makes us feel validated and less alone.

  • We constantly search for signs of similarity in our interactions and relationships. Phrases like “Me too!” and “Join the club!” are expressions of finding common ground.

  • Avoiding the “Not me!” trap—comments that point out how you are different or oppose something the other person said—is important for connecting with others. It’s better to search for real similarities and shared interests.

  • The similarity-attraction effect applies not just to personality and interests but also to appearance. We tend to help and feel closer to those who dress like us.

  • The reality show Are You the One? provided an example of contestants searching for similarity by discussing their closeness with family, attentiveness in relationships, physical preferences in partners, and sleeping habits. Finding these commonalities cemented their connection.

Overall, the key takeaway is that focusing on similarities rather than differences is crucial for bonding with others and building new relationships. We should make an effort to discover shared interests, values, experiences, and quirks.

•Use the similarity-attraction effect to your advantage by employing Thread Theory. Find threads of common interest or connection to become more socially attractive.

•Search for threads in people (mutual connections), context (shared situations), and interests (shared hobbies, experiences, or passions). Use open-ended questions to discover these threads.

•Follow the thread by asking “why” questions to go deeper into the conversation. Explore motivations, dreams, and interests. This helps create a more meaningful connection.

•Optional: Create ties by offering help or solutions to the other person’s needs or problems. This forges a strong bond and lasting similarity.

•The more threads you find and the deeper you go, the stronger your connection will be. Use Thread Theory to have engaging conversations, build new relationships, and become more likable.

•We all struggle to communicate at times. Thread Theory is a tool that can help build connections with anyone. Search for similarities and the conversation will flow.

Dr. Paul Ekman discovered microexpressions, brief involuntary facial expressions that reveal our true emotions. By studying microexpressions, we can decode hidden emotions and better understand people.

Ekman identified seven universal microexpressions:

  1. Fear: Eyes widen, lips part.

  2. Anger: Lips pressed together, eyes glare.

  3. Disgust: Nose wrinkles, upper lip rises.

  4. Contempt: One corner of mouth rises.

  5. Surprise: Eyes and mouth open, brows raise.

  6. Sadness: Inner corners of eyebrows rise, lip corners turn down.

  7. Happiness: Lip corners turn up, eyes narrow.

Microexpressions appear for a fraction of a second, so you have to look closely. Spotting them takes practice.

Some tips for reading microexpressions:

• Slow down: Put conversations and interactions into slow motion by replaying them in your mind. This makes microexpressions easier to spot.

• Observe the eyes: The eyes are the windows to the soul. Look for changes in eye size, glares, and flashes of emotion.

• Notice clusters: Don’t read too much into a single expression. Look for clusters of microexpressions and congruent emotions.

• Baseline: Notice a person’s normal face and look for deviations from their baseline expression. Our natural face reveals our inner emotional state.

• Context: Consider the context. Microexpressions should match the emotional tone and content of a conversation. If not, the person may be masking their true feelings.

• Practice: The more you practice spotting microexpressions, the quicker you’ll get at perceiving them. Observe people in real life and on TV shows and try to decode their expressions.

With practice, you can become adept at reading hidden emotions through microexpressions. This allows you to better understand people and connect with them. By perceiving what’s really going on under the surface, you gain an advantage in forming relationships.

The night Arie confessed to Emily that he was a professional race car driver, Emily’s facial expressions told a different story than her words. While Emily said she was fine with Arie’s profession, her microexpressions showed sadness, fear, and contempt. These flash emotions revealed her true feelings about Arie being a race car driver.

Microexpressions last less than a second and reveal people’s honest emotions. There are seven main microexpressions to look for:

•Anger: Lowered, pinched eyebrows; creased forehead; tense lower eyelids; tight lips. Shows annoyance or displeasure.

•Contempt: One-sided mouth raise or smirk. Shows scorn, disdain or dislike. Often confused for a smile.

•Happiness: Raised cheeks, crow’s feet wrinkles, smile. Shows genuine joy or celebration. Can be faked.

•Fear: Widened eyes, raised eyebrows, open mouth. Shows feeling afraid or in danger.

•Surprise: Rounded, raised eyebrows; widened eyes; dropped-open mouth. Shows feeling amazed, shocked or caught off guard. Lasts the longest of the microexpressions.

•Disgust: Wrinkled nose, raised upper lip, raised cheeks, tight lower eyelids. Shows feeling revolted, unpleasant or nasty.

•Sadness: Drooped corners of lips, dropped jaw. Shows feeling sorrowful, troubled or down. Hardest microexpression to fake.

By decoding people’s microexpressions, you can uncover their true emotions and congruency between their words and feelings. Look for microexpressions when someone is talking, listening and in photos. With practice, spotting microexpressions can become second nature.

  • Eyebrows pinched together: Indicates sadness
  • Drooping eyelids: Indicates sadness
  • Puffing or pouting lower lip: Indicates sadness
  • Pulling corners of mouth down: Indicates sadness

These expressions often indicate:

  • Disappointment
  • Being upset or overwhelmed
  • Right before crying

Responding to microexpressions:


  • Explore the source of anger and address it
  • Stay calm and explain your perspective
  • Ask questions to understand their concerns


  • Find the source of contempt and re-evaluate
  • Build rapport and find areas of agreement
  • Address issues immediately before problems grow


  • Celebrate and capitalize on the happiness
  • Ask for details and share in the joy
  • Express gratitude that they shared with you


  • Address the source of discomfort and try to soothe fears
  • Reassure, re-evaluate, or remove the threat
  • Comfort them and see if you can make the situation feel safer


  • Clarify whether you have the same information
  • Qualify what needs to happen next
  • Get on the same page to avoid miscommunications


  • Get to the bottom of what is causing the disgust

  • Give permission to express true feelings

  • Ask follow up questions to gain clarification

• Procter & Gamble was struggling with competition in 1984 and needed to make a change.

• Richard Nicolosi, a shift foreman, was asked to join P&G’s marketing team to help provide insights into their target customers.

• Nicolosi created “personas” to represent P&G’s key customers based on interviews and surveys. These personas helped P&G better understand and connect with customers.

• The personas led to successful new products like Swiffer dusters and Febreze air fresheners.

• Personas are a useful tool for understanding different types of people and what motivates or interests them. Creating detailed personas can help in areas like marketing, product design, and customer service.

• To create personas, interview people, look for patterns, determine key attributes, give the personas names and photos, and flesh out details about their behaviors, values, and demographics.

• Personas provide a shared understanding of customers or users within an organization. They make customer insights more vivid and help teams design better solutions.

• Like P&G, you can use personas to better understand people, anticipate their needs, and build better relationships. Personas are a powerful way to “hack” into someone’s personality and see through their eyes.

Does this summary cover the key points you wanted to convey? Let me know if you would like me to clarify or expand the summary.

  • Their team consisted of engineers and marketers. The executive, Nicolosi, was an engineer who didn’t know much about marketing but was good at solving problems.

  • Nicolosi applied his engineering problem-solving skills to understanding people. He saw figuring out the best way to assemble teams as solving a puzzle.

  • To build new teams, Nicolosi went through a rigorous three-step process:

  1. He sat down with each person and asked them probing questions to understand them. He watched for behavioral cues.

  2. He spent time observing them in action to see the difference between what they said and what they did.

  3. He listened to the language they used and mirrored it back to connect their goals to the company’s goals.

  • Using this process, Nicolosi reorganized the company and profits increased 68% in a few years. He taught this philosophy to other parts of the company and was promoted many times.

  • Nicolosi said the secret was understanding people’s “flavors” - their personalities, motivations, and hot buttons. By figuring them out, you can lead and motivate them.

  • The author used to find understanding people intimidating but learned about the five-factor model of personality - openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism or OCEAN. By observing people’s behaviors, the author guessed where people ranked on each trait and built a “matrix” for each person to better understand and connect with them.

  • Personality is about 35-50% genetic. We can’t usually change people’s core personalities. Instead of trying to change people, learn how to understand them and optimize your interactions.

  • A self-assessment can help determine where you rank on each of the five personality traits. Understanding yourself and others leads to better communication and relationships.

Here is Eva’s matrix based on your descriptions:

Openness: ↓ Eva struggled with lots of new tasks and projects. She seemed overwhelmed by possibilities. Conscientiousness: ↓ Eva had trouble completing tasks and following detailed instructions. She lacked organization and timeliness. Extroversion: ↓ Eva preferred to work alone and seemed hesitant to ask for help. She was uncomfortable in social situations at work. Agreeableness: ↑ Eva said yes to any task asked of her, even if she was unsure she could complete it. She wanted to please others. Neuroticism: = Eva showed some signs of worry in her constant check-ins but also seemed overly confident in taking on more work than she could handle. She fell in the middle.

To optimize for Eva’s personality, here are some suggestions:

•Give Eva one task at a time with clear deadlines and accountability. Don’t overwhelm her with options or possibilities. •Keep instructions simple and concise. Avoid long, detailed emails. Check in on her progress regularly. •Pair Eva with an extroverted mentor who can encourage her to ask for help. Make sure she has opportunities to work alone when needed. •Be very clear in your expectations and give her permission to say no if she feels overwhelmed. Reassure her it’s okay if she can’t complete something.
•Provide encouragement and reassurance to keep her motivated but avoid micromanaging. Give her some independence once she gets into a routine.

In the future, when hiring new interns or employees, take time to assess their personality matrix. Explain your management style and set clear expectations that optimize for their traits. This will lead to a much better working relationship and experience for both parties.

Does this help summarize the key points and provide some useful suggestions? Let me know if you have any other questions!

  • To gauge someone’s personality, look for behavioral clues like how organized their space is, how they interact with groups, how anxious or relaxed they seem, etc. You can also ask open-ended questions about things like goals, hobbies, preferences, etc. to get a better sense of how they think.

  • Extroverts tend to be optimistic, enjoy social interaction, have cluttered and inviting personal spaces. Introverts prefer one-on-one interaction, need alone time, and have simpler personal spaces.

  • Conscientious people are organized, have detailed plans and goals, pay attention to deadlines and appearances. Less conscientious people tend to be messy, spontaneous and casual.

  • Open people enjoy new experiences, travel, diverse interests. Less open people prefer familiar and routine activities.

  • Agreeable people are cooperative and accomodating. Less agreeable people prioritize facts over feelings and can be argumentative.

  • Neurotic people tend to be anxious, worried and prone to negative emotions. Emotionally stable people are calm and less reactive under stress.

  • We make instinctive judgments about personality based on appearance, including face shape. We tend to see extroverts as friendly-looking and introverts as stern. Competent-looking faces seem angular and masculine, incompetent-seeming faces seem round and feminine.

  • First impressions provide clues, but should be combined with actual behavioral evidence and open-mindedness. Personality is complex, so initial judgments may be inaccurate.

Some studies show we can make quick judgments about someone’s personality based on their appearance and behavior. When you first meet someone:

• Trust your initial gut reaction for assessing extroversion, conscientiousness, and agreeableness. These are the traits we judge most accurately.

• Be cautious when assessing neuroticism. Follow up with more questions and observations.

• We can even assess personality from online photos and profiles. Research shows our assessments tend to be reasonably accurate.

For practice, try assessing the personalities of TV characters or friends’ photos. But keep in mind:

• The goal is empathy and understanding, not judgment. There are no “good” or “bad” personalities.

• Traits are not stereotypes. Avoid prejudging based on gender, race, age, etc.

Once you’ve assessed someone’s personality, think about how your traits match up. You can compromise by meeting in the middle or optimize by adjusting your behavior to suit the other person.

Knowing someone’s personality also gives you a persuasive advantage. Tailor your pitch to their traits:

• Openness: Pitch newness and novelty to open people; familiarity and pragmatism to less open people.

• Conscientiousness: Provide lots of detail for highly conscientious listeners; keep it high-level for less conscientious people.

• Extroversion: Discuss group opinions and brainstorm with extroverts; give introverts space and time.

• Agreeableness: Get buy-in from agreeable people but follow up to ensure their true input. Be very direct with less agreeable people.

• Neuroticism: Reassure highly neurotic people and give them more context to avoid anxiety or taking things personally.

Here are the key points about the psychology of appreciation:

•Appreciation taps into our deep human need to feel valued and recognized. When people feel genuinely appreciated, it leads to higher happiness, better health, and increased productivity.

•Appreciation is one of the most powerful motivators. According to researcher Tom Rath, the number one reason people leave their jobs is because they do not feel appreciated. Appreciating your employees, co-workers and loved ones is one of the best ways to keep them happy and motivated.

•Appreciation must be sincere and specific. Generic praise like “good job” does not have the same impact as recognizing someone for exactly what they contributed. Personalized, thoughtful appreciation is the most meaningful.

•Giving gifts is one way to show appreciation, but it must match the recipient’s preferences to be meaningful. Giving a gift for the sake of obligation often falls flat. The most impactful gifts are personalized and demonstrate how well you know the other person.

•Saying “I appreciate you” is important, but showing appreciation through your actions and behavior is even more powerful. Make the time to do small things each day to demonstrate how much you value the people in your life. Actions speak louder than words.

•Receiving appreciation activates the reward center in our brain. It gives us a boost of dopamine which makes us feel good and strengthens our bond with the person who expressed appreciation. This reaction makes both giving and receiving appreciation mutually beneficial.

•Appreciating yourself is also important for well-being. Take time each day to recognize your own accomplishments, talents, values and behaviors that you are proud of. Self-appreciation leads to greater confidence, resilience and motivation. But don’t overdo it—self-appreciation works best when balanced with humility.

That covers the key highlights about the psychology of appreciation and why it is so important for relationships and motivation. Please let me know if you have any other questions!

The author learned that people express and feel love in different ways after watching football with her father on his birthday. Her father appreciated her quality time and bonding over the game more than any gift.

Dr. Gary Chapman identified 5 main ways people express love: words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time. Misunderstandings often arise in relationships when people have different primary love languages.

Dr. Chapman and Dr. Paul White also identified 5 “appreciation languages” that apply in the workplace. Lack of appreciation is a major cause of job dissatisfaction and turnover. People feel most engaged at work when recognized in their preferred appreciation language.

The author created an “appreciation matrix” to understand how people express and prefer to receive appreciation. Your primary and secondary appreciation languages provide insights into what makes you happy, what you should ask for, and how to have better interactions. Knowing others’ appreciation languages helps you recognize and engage them effectively.

The 5 appreciation languages are:

  1. Words of affirmation: Expressing appreciation through spoken or written praise and compliments.

  2. Gifts: Giving small presents, treats or tokens of appreciation.

  3. Physical touch: Expressing appreciation through hugs, pats on the back, handshakes, etc.

  4. Acts of service: Doing things for others to show appreciation like cooking a meal, running an errand or helping with a task.

  5. Quality time: Giving your focused time and presence to show appreciation.

Most people have a primary and secondary appreciation language. Identifying your own and others’ languages can help reduce misunderstandings and increase happiness in relationships.

The rellationship you have with someone will depend a lot on how you show appreciation for each other. There are 5 main ways people express and perceive appreciation:

  1. Words of Affirmation: Using verbal compliments and praise.

  2. Quality Time: Giving someone your full, undivided attention.

  3. Receiving Gifts: Exchanging gifts as a way to show you care.

  4. Acts of Service: Doing things for others like chores, errands or tasks.

  5. Physical Touch: Using hugs, touches, holding hands, etc. to connect.

To figure out someone’s appreciation language:

  1. Observe how they treat others. We often show appreciation in the way we want to receive it.

  2. Ask them questions about good gifts they’ve given/received, nice things others have done for them, favorite ways to spend time together, etc. Their answers can reveal their language.

  3. Look for microexpressions that show they are delighted (happiness), uncomfortable (contempt or disgust) or aggravated (anger) by certain types of appreciation.

Once you know someone’s language, show appreciation in a way that is meaningful to them using pronouns like “we” and “us” to build closeness. Put in effort to make the appreciation creative and unexpected to stimulate their dopamine. The key is speaking their language!

In summary, figure out how people want to be appreciated, then put in the effort to appreciate them in a meaningful way. Your relationships will improve as a result.

Your Riser: Appreciate your riser more by doing small acts of kindness like giving compliments, helping out with chores, bringing them coffee, etc. Your riser would appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Your Best Friend: Spend quality time together by going out for coffee or dinner, watching movies, exercising together, etc. Your best friend would appreciate your time and presence.

Your Partner: Express your affection and show them you care through hugs, kisses, holding hands, giving massages, etc. Your partner would appreciate physical intimacy and quality time together.

Your Boss: Take on more responsibility by volunteering for projects, mentoring other team members, coming up with new ideas, etc. Your boss would appreciate your initiative, leadership, and solutions-oriented mindset.

Your Colleague: Offer to help your colleague out when they have a heavy workload by collaborating on projects, brainstorming together, or providing constructive feedback. Your colleague would appreciate your support, input and teamwork.

Your Parents: Call or visit your parents more often to see how they’re doing and to spend time together. Your parents would appreciate you making the effort to stay in close contact and your care and concern for their wellbeing.

The question to build better connections is: What is one way I can show you more appreciation? Asking this question shows you genuinely care about the other person and want to meet their needs. By understanding what others value and need, and showing your appreciation, you can build stronger relationships.

  • The passage discusses discovering one’s “primary values” - the underlying motivations that drive a person’s decisions and desires.

  • Primary values fall into six categories: Love, Service, Status, Money, Goods, and Information.

  • The author conducted an experiment where participants kept diaries of their social interactions and feelings. By analyzing these diaries, the researchers were able to determine each participant’s primary values based on what they seemed to be seeking in their interactions. For example, a participant who talked a lot about gaining or lacking information during interactions likely valued Information.

  • Knowing your own primary values can give you a sense of purpose and help you understand your own motivations and desires. The author provides some self-reflection exercises to help determine your primary values in different areas of life like work, social life, and relationships.

  • The key steps to determining primary values are:

  1. Reflect on what motivates you and gives you a sense of purpose or fulfillment. What do you feel you are seeking or lacking?

  2. Consider how your experiences and environment growing up may have contributed to your values today. For example, lacking love or resources as a child could lead one to highly value those things today.

  3. Examine what you tend to prioritize and the kinds of interactions or activities that energize or drain you. This can reveal what you value.

  4. Do targeted self-reflection on what motivates you in specific life domains like work, friendships, and relationships. The values in these areas may differ.

  5. Look for patterns in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that point to certain values. For example, always wanting to be “in the know” may indicate valuing Information.

  6. Consider getting input from close ones who know you well. They may be able to identify your core values and priorities.

  7. Be open to the idea that you may value different things in different contexts. Your values are complex and multi-dimensional.

Does this summary accurately reflect the key ideas and steps discussed in the passage? Let me know if you would like me to clarify or expand on any part of the summary.

When you are with your partner, you feel most worthy when: Your needs and values are understood and met.

My professional primary value is Information. I’m constantly teaching and reading every book, blog, and study I can get my hands on. My social and romantic primary value is Love. I did not feel very liked or accepted growing up and never had a great group of friends in school. As an adult, I am incredibly lucky. I finally have a wonderfully supportive partner and loving friend group. But I consistently try to give Love and take Love with these important people.

Knowing your value language is key to understanding yourself and others. Our values drive our choices, behaviors, and reactions. Learn someone’s primary value by listening to their complaints, analyzing their body language, and observing their habits and worries.

Once you know someone’s primary value, use it to motivate them, meet their needs, and build better relationships. For example, give someone praise if their primary value is Status. Spend quality time together if their primary value is Love. Offer to help with chores if their primary value is Service.

• Stories are a fundamental way humans connect with one another. They tap into the communal parts of our brain.

• Ty Warner created Beanie Babies and gave each one a name, birthday, and backstory. This helped them become more than just stuffed animals—they felt real and personal to people.

• Aimee Semple McPherson went missing for a month, then reemerged with a dramatic kidnapping story. Though parts of the story didn’t add up, people were enthralled. She used the publicity to build her Angelus Temple ministry.

• Comedian Nicol Paone started a comedy bus tour of Los Angeles locations from her life. Her willingness to share embarrassing and personal stories helped her connect with audiences in an authentic way. The shows became very popular.

• The keys to connecting through stories are:

› Share details that make you relatable. People connect with vulnerabilities, imperfections, and awkward moments.

› Have a narrative arc. Share a challenge or struggle and what you learned. Stories need a beginning, middle, and end.

› Use vivid language and share sensory details. This helps the audience visualize what you’re describing.

› Be authentic. The most compelling stories share truth. Even stories of failure or imperfection can build connection if they reveal something real about you.

› Make a point. Share what your story means to you, or the lesson you took from it. The meaning or purpose gives the audience insight into you.

› Share cautiously. Only share what you’re comfortable with, and be mindful of how it may affect your reputation or relationships. But some vulnerability is needed to truly connect.

The key is to share real stories, speak authentically, and make a human connection. When done well, storytelling is a powerful way to build influence and relationships.

• Stories create connection and bonding between people. They activate the similarity attraction effect and neural coupling.

• The story of Ty Warner and Beanie Babies shows how stories helped market a product and connect customers. Stories give us pleasure, help us say “me too,” and bond storytellers and listeners.

• A study found that as one person tells a story, the listener’s brain patterns sync up and match the speaker’s brain patterns. Stories transport us into the experiences of others.

• Even reading or hearing words associated with smells can activate the parts of our brain involved in processing smells. Stories activate our senses and make us feel present in the story.

• The author shares a story of working as a telemarketer in college and learning to use stories to build rapport and get donations. Sharing stories about loving Emory University helped connect with alumni. Asking for their stories also built connection.

• You can build your own “Story Stack” with trigger topics, your stories for those topics, and questions to get others talking. This helps you harness the power of stories in conversation.

• An example is given of using the trigger topic of a comedy special to share an embarrassing story about seeing Bill Maher in person. The story is followed up with a question to get the other person talking about their experiences.

• The key hack is using stories to capture imagination and attention, building connection and bonding. A Story Stack gives you a structure to do this.

The keys to effective storytelling are:

  1. Start with a hook: A provocative statement, question or idea to grab attention. For example, “I used to watch Bill Maher all the time, but after I humiliated myself in front of him, I could never watch him the same way again.”

  2. Champion a struggle: The best stories have some kind of struggle or challenge at their center. For example, in the Bill Maher story, the struggle was figuring out who was in the car.

  3. Use provocative words: Choose expressive, descriptive words to bring the story to life. For example, words like “perfume” and “coffee” activate the brain’s olfactory system.

  4. Keep it short, around 2 minutes. After 3 minutes, you become a “conversation hog.”

  5. Use humor: Surprise your audience or share an unexpected element. Test different jokes and stories on different audiences. Get feedback and make adjustments.

  6. Study master storytellers: Watch sitcoms, read award-winning journalism, and analyze what makes stories compelling. Look for hooks, struggles, and unique words.

  7. Practice! Take stories from your Story Stack and practice telling them, playing around with nonverbal elements like pauses, expressions, and embellishments. Get comfortable and confident in your storytelling.

In summary, effective storytelling takes preparation, practice, and a formula focused on grabbing attention, building suspense, using compelling language, and ending with a conclusion that ties it all together, often with a dash of humor. Master these skills and you’ll become a champion storyteller.

Mark Gordon is a successful Hollywood film producer who wanted to start a charter school. He partnered with education expert Kriste Dragon to make this happen. Their approach to leadership and empowering others had three key elements:

  1. Passion: Gordon started with something he was passionate about - creating a school that shaped students into global citizens. Dragon was also passionate about diversity and inclusion. Their shared passion fueled their efforts.

  2. A Clear Goal: Gordon and Dragon set a specific and challenging goal - to open the school by September 2010, giving them just 9 months. Having a concrete goal helped them take action and make progress.

  3. Empowering Others: Gordon empowered Dragon by giving her the freedom and resources to achieve the goal as she saw fit. Dragon then did the same, hiring capable people for key roles and giving them autonomy. Their leadership style focused on clarity of vision, providing resources and support, and then getting out of the way.

This approach allowed them to accomplish an incredible amount in a short time. They were able to open their first school on schedule and have since expanded to seven schools across three cities. Their leadership and ability to empower others has enabled them to make a real impact.

The key lesson is that empowering leadership involves passion, clear goals, and giving people the freedom and support to achieve those goals in their own way. When done right, this approach can motivate and inspire others to accomplish amazing things.

To assemble furniture in your living room, you end up with a mess of discarded cardboard, nails, screws, small plastic parts (“himejababs”), and wood shavings on the floor. The instructions are short but you still end up assembling a piece upside down. You throw it in frustration, yell at your spouse, but after 5.5 hours complete the wobbly furniture. Though it starts falling apart, you keep it for months due to the time invested.

This is the “Ikea effect”: we overvalue things we create. Researchers tested this. Participants made origami and valued their creations highly, while non-makers saw little value. Tests with Ikea furniture and Legos found the same.

We can use this effect to empower others by giving them ownership and control. Kriste Dragon didn’t just follow Mark Gordon’s orders; he gave her the means to create schools as she wanted. “Own It!” means giving people a mission and letting them achieve it.

People want purpose. In a 1977 study, saying “because” and giving any reason, even silly ones, made people more likely to comply with a request. To leverage this:

  1. Tie the reason to the listener’s benefit. L’Oreal’s “Because I’m worth it” appeals to customers.

  2. Tie to your own passion. Gordon’s belief in diversity made his pitch for the schools persuasive. The Marines’ “The Few. The Proud.” shows their purpose.

  3. Tie to mutual benefit. Gordon said his schools would raise “future world leaders” to make the world better for all. Apple’s “Think Different” challenged users and the world.

Give a “because” for requests, tying the reason to as many appeals as possible. My course gives three reasons to buy: you’ll be happier, I can fund more research, we’ll have a better community.

Know your “why” — your mission and purpose. Gordon and Dragon hire those who share their mission. Gordon chooses projects where he can tell a powerful story. Give your “why” for:

  • Applying for a job: Why help the company? How will you achieve mutual missions?

  • Interviewing a hire: Why does your company want the best? How will this person fit the mission?

  • Asking for charity donations: Why does this matter to you? How will donations help?

  • A first date: Why do you think you can make someone happy? What do you offer in a relationship?

  • An elevator pitch: Why your work? What’s your mission? How do you achieve it?

The summary covers the key ideas around leveraging ownership and purpose to persuade and motivate others. The examples and studies provide helpful context for how to apply these principles in various situations.

Here are some Indian dinner options we can customize to your tastes:

•For sauces, we can choose mild butter chicken, creamy korma, spicy vindaloo or tangy tikka masala. Which sounds best?

•For bread, we have garlic naan, cheese naan or plain naan. Your pick!

•As a side, we can get samosas, biryani rice, dal makhani lentils or mango chutney. Let me know your favorites.

•And for dessert, how about gulab jamun doughnuts in syrup, kulfi popsicles or masala chai? I’m open to any combo you like!

Typical Request: Let’s go for a hike this weekend.

Hacker Ask: Let’s go for an adventure in nature this weekend. A hike sounds perfect!

Customized: Here are some ways we can customize our hiking adventure:

•Easy, moderate or strenuous trail? We can pick based on your energy level.

• Panoramic views or lush forest scenery? Mountains or canyon terrain?

•Pack a picnic lunch or grab food along the trail? I can make sandwiches or trail mix.

•Bring cameras for photo ops, binoculars for wildlife viewing or hammocks for resting?

•Camp overnight under the stars or head home for showers and cozy beds? Your call!

Bottom Line: Give people choices so they can make something their own.

• Secrets weigh us down and prevent authentic connections. Sharing them, even with strangers, brings relief.

• PostSecret creator Frank Warren receives thousands of anonymous secrets each week. He has found that revealing secrets to others builds fast intimacy and lasting relationships.

• We are often more worried about our vulnerabilities and secrets than others actually are. This is due to the spotlight effect - we overestimate how much others notice our mistakes and flaws.

• Sharing secrets and being vulnerable is courageous. It allows others to offer support and builds bonding. The stories we hide are often the ones that connect us the most.

• The goal is not to confess secrets to everyone, but to be less weighed down by them in your interactions. Share when you feel comfortable and build intimacy through vulnerability.

• The two most common secrets: “I pee in the shower” and a desire to find belonging. We all want to be fully accepted for who we are.

• Our secrets don’t have to prevent connection - they can encourage it. Vulnerability is the path to elevating your relationships.

• We tend to overestimate how much other people notice our vulnerabilities and mistakes. In reality, most people are focused on themselves and barely notice the small gaffes we make.

• Showing vulnerability actually makes us more likable and attractive to others. It shows we are human, honest and relatable. Mistakes humanize us.

• There are subtle ways to show vulnerability without oversharing. One way is by using the Franklin Effect - ask for small favors or advice.

• Asking for advice is a great way to build relationships. It:

  • Admits a small vulnerability in an authentic way.
  • Gets people talking by sparking their interest.
  • Helps you learn more about someone by understanding their perspective and values.
  • Can be informal by following up on stories or anecdotes. Or you can directly ask open-ended questions like:

• Do you have any good restaurants you like? • Have you been on any great vacations recently? • Do you have any book recommendations? • What should I get my girlfriend for our anniversary? • How do you think this sports season will end up? • Any tips for buying a new car?

• Showing vulnerability through asking for advice makes you seem courageous, honest and relatable. It bonds you to others and stimulates meaningful conversations. Don’t be afraid to open up - most people will barely notice, and those who do will likely appreciate your courage.

• Ask for advice to activate the Franklin Effect and strengthen connections. For example, ask things like:

  • Do you have any advice on [topic]?
  • Can I brainstorm some ideas with you about [project]?
  • How would you suggest solving/fixing [problem]?

• Be grateful for advice and show you are taking it seriously. Send a thank-you card or note, implement the advice and share the results, etc.

• Look for advice opportunities in casual conversations and on social media. Don’t be afraid to ask for input on small things.

• Accept unsolicited advice graciously. This also activates the Franklin Effect.

• Avoid trying to appear “perfect.” Admit when you’re wrong, say you don’t know, ask for forgiveness, etc. This makes you more relatable.

• Not everyone will welcome your vulnerability, but the right people will accept you for who you are, flaws included. Focus on them.

• “It’s not about the singing, it’s about making the song your own.” Similarly, life is not about being perfect, it’s about living authentically.

• Dealing with difficult people:

  • Stay calm and composed. Do not engage or argue.
  • Focus on the current issue, not past grievances.
  • Use “I” statements and speak kindly. Do not attack.
  • Compromise when possible. Look for solutions you both agree on.
  • Get help from others if the situation calls for it. You do not have to deal with difficult people alone.
  • Do not take the bait. Do not get defensive or attack in return. Remain professional.
  • If the situation cannot be resolved, you may need to limit contact with this person when possible. Prioritize your own wellbeing.

Does this help summarize the key points? Let me know if you would like me to clarify or expand on any part of the summary.

• Interpersonal jobs that involve dealing with people’s fears, anxieties, and difficult behaviors are among the toughest. This includes jobs like event planners, therapists, mediators, and customer service reps.

• Many difficult behaviors stem from fear - fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of loss of control, etc. These fears manifest in predictable ways, like:

  • Downers: Negative, pessimistic. Fear of rejection.

  • Show-offs: Braggy, narcissistic. Fear of being undervalued.

  • Passives: Quiet, non-participating. Fear of criticism or judgment.

  • Tanks: Explosive, dramatic, bossy. Fear of loss of control or being forgotten.

• Our fear responses are processed in two pathways in the brain:

  • The “low road”: Fast, automatic survival response. Helps us react quickly to threats but can lead to “emotional hijacking.”

  • The “high road”: Slower, more logical response. Helps us thrive and make good decisions. But the low road can override the high road.

• Emotional hijacking occurs when the low road fear response kicks in and overrides the high road, making it difficult to think clearly or act in our best interest. Past experiences can condition emotional hijacking.

• The low road’s goal is survival, while the high road’s goal is thriving. These goals can sometimes conflict, leading to difficult behaviors.

• Managing people’s fear responses and emotional hijacking requires addressing the underlying fears and helping engage the high road. Building self-awareness, addressing past triggers, and learning coping strategies can all help.

  • Difficult people are often in a state of constant fear and survival, making it hard for them to connect rationally or show compassion.

  • The “NUT Job” technique can help in dealing with difficult people. It involves:

  1. Naming the emotion: Identify what the person is afraid of or feeling. Say it aloud to validate them and prompt them to open up.

  2. Understanding: Get more information and identify their primary value or concern. Help them process their feelings.

  3. Transforming: Either provide solutions to resolve the issue if possible, or use appreciation language to comfort the person. The goal is to get them thinking rationally again.

  • Don’t move to the “Transform” step until the person seems fully heard and calmer. Keep listening and asking questions.

  • The NUT Job helps difficult people feel valued and heard, which quiets their “survival mode” reactions. It’s about valuing them, not trying to change them.

  • Examples of phrases for each step:

Naming: “You seem frustrated.” “Are you feeling anxious?”

Understanding: “Tell me what happened.” “The reason you feel this way is because?”

Transforming: “How can I help?” “What needs to happen for you to feel better?” “What role can we each play to improve this?”

  • With practice, the NUT Job can become intuitive. It’s a helpful approach for dealing with emotional reactions and defusing tensions.

  • Everyone has a curiosity that makes them engage with others, but popular people seem to have a particular gift for tapping into other people’s popularity.

  • A study found that popular people literally activate our brain’s reward center, making us feel good.

  • Popular people also seem especially attuned to social signals and hierarchy. They are good at relating to others.

  • Dan Ariely, a popular behavioral economist, is a good example. His curiosity about people and desire to understand them has fueled his success.

  • Ariely’s experience recovering from severe burns taught him that slow, empathetic care is less painful than a quick “rip the bandage off” approach. He has built a career studying how our assumptions about human behavior are often irrational.

  • To become more engaging, we can cultivate an intense curiosity about others. We can focus on learning, rather than trying to impress. We can make people feel good by activating their reward center. And we can work on relating to others by improving our “social cognition.”

The key takeaway is that tapping into people’s popularity and rewarding them socially is the key to being engaging. An attitude of learning, rather than showing off, is most attractive. Slow, empathetic care will serve you better than a brusque, uncaring manner. Relating to others and understanding social hierarchies and signals is a skill that popular, engaging people work hard to develop.

Popular and likable people are attuned to others. They are receptive to and aware of the people around them. They harmonize with others by meeting their needs to feel wanted, liked, and known.

There are two key ways to attune to others:

  1. Reciprocity: We like people who like us. Engage the reciprocity effect by liking more people. Show your enthusiasm for others through your words and actions. This will inspire them to like you in return.

  2. Belonging: Help others meet their needs to belong, feel esteem, and self-actualize. Find commonalities, understand their personalities, speak their appreciation language, ask meaningful questions, highlight their strengths, decode their emotions, be vulnerable, help them realize their value, empower them, and help solve their problems. By helping others meet these higher-level needs, you help them feel a sense of belonging.

  • You can build belonging and acceptance through meeting like-minded people with similar interests. The author created a community called the Science of People that hosts in-person and online anti-networking events for people interested in human behavior and social skills. You can join to connect with others.

  • Curiosity can help reduce the pain of social rejection or negative experiences. The author recommends setting up your own mini social experiments to learn more about yourself and others. Some examples include trying different conversation starters, standing in different spots at parties, telling different stories to see reactions, etc. Curiosity leads to learning and growth.

  • You are responsible for having captivating interactions and relationships. Take ownership over your conversations and work to engage others, even if you’re not in the mood. Look for ways to connect, appreciate people for who they are, and share information about yourself too. Reciprocity means showing people you enjoy their company as well.

  • The final challenges are:

  1. Pick your top three hacks and set up mini-experiments to try them.
  2. Tell one person how much you enjoy spending time with them.
  3. Schedule an adventure with a fun, social friend.
  • To continue learning, you can sign up for a free 7-day e-mail follow up series with more tips and challenges. You can also e-mail the author directly with any questions.

  • Additional resources like a checklist, cheat sheet, and worksheets for the personality matrix are available as digital bonuses. The author also offers corporate workshops and keynote speaking on the content from the book.

Does this summary cover the main points from the excerpt? Let me know if you would like me to clarify or expand on any part of the summary.

I apologize, but I do not actually have access to OKCupid data or research as I am an AI assistant created by Anthropic to be helpful, harmless, and honest.

• Start a message with a question or comment about something specific in their profile that intrigues you about them to show you’ve read and considered their profile. This creates a sense of similarity and shared interests that can lead to attraction.

• Disclose information about yourself in a message to build intimacy and prompt reciprocation from the other person. Self-disclosure is intrinsically rewarding. However, be selective in what you disclose and avoid oversharing, especially negative information.

• Speak to people using their name to grab their attention, signal you see them as an individual, and activate their name identity network in the brain. This can make you more memorable and make them feel valued.

• Highlight your genuine interests and strengths without bragging or sounding arrogant. Present information about yourself in a straightforward, humble, and authentic manner. People tend to see through deception and dishonesty in self-presentation.

• Express sincere compliments and appreciation for others to make them feel good, build rapport and connection, and encourage reciprocation. Recognition and praise activate the same reward centers in the brain as money or food. Look for specific details or actions you genuinely appreciate about the person and communicate in a warm, enthusiastic manner.

• Seek to understand other people’s perspectives, priorities, and values to establish rapport and foster good relationships. Look for clues in people’s environments, appearance, and communication styles to gain insight into their personalities, values, and habits. But recognize that initial impressions can often be misleading or incomplete. Maintain an open and curious mindset about people.

• Shared core values and life priorities are key indicators of long-term relationship compatibility and success. Look for evidence of values compatibility in a potential partner’s stated and revealed preferences, goals, and behaviors. But also recognize that some differences in values can be overcome with open communication and mutual understanding. Compromise and acceptance are key.

I apologize, but I do not have enough information in the provided references to adequately summarize that book or paper. Academic works typically require reading the full text in order to summarize the key ideas, arguments, evidence, and conclusions. Without access to the complete work, I cannot provide a useful summary.

Here is a summary of the key points from pages 139 to 140:

• Personality traits can be decoded based on behavioral cues and evidence, not just by asking someone directly. People’s traits emerge through their spontaneous and habitual behaviors.

• Extroverts tend to:

› Have an energetic body language and speaking style

› Share personal stories and details about their lives

› Ask lots of questions to keep a conversation going

› Maintain frequent eye contact

› Talk spontaneously without long pauses

› Be assertive in groups and seek leadership roles

• Introverts tend to:

› Have a more reserved body language and speaking style

› Share less personal information and fewer stories

› Ask fewer questions and let silences emerge in conversation

› Make less frequent eye contact

› Be less assertive in groups and less apt to take on leadership roles

• Understanding how people’s traits are expressed through specific behaviors helps in decoding people quickly and accurately. Spotting these cues takes practice and conscious effort but can provide valuable insight.

Here is a summary of the page numbers and sections:

01, 129 - Personality and Persuasion
134-154 - Speed Reading
160 - The Five S’s of Chemistry
178 - Know Your Values
180 - Finding Your Primary Values
268 - Understand Feelings and Handle Toxic People

Here’s a summary of the table of contents:

Part I: The First Five Minutes

  • Chapter 1: Control: How to win the social game
  • Chapter 2: Capture: How to make a killer first impression
  • Chapter 3: Spark: How to have dazzling conversations
  • Chapter 4: Highlight: How to be the most memorable person in the room
  • Chapter 5: Intrigue: How to be ridiculously likable

Part II: The First Five Hours

  • Chapter 6: Decode: How to uncover hidden emotions
  • Chapter 7: Solve: How to crack someone’s personality
  • Chapter 8: Appreciate: How to get the best from people
  • Chapter 9: Value: How to get along with anyone

Part III: The First Five Days

  • Chapter 10: Connect: How to speak so people listen
  • Chapter 11: Empower: How to lead people
  • Chapter 12: Reveal: How to build lasting relationships
  • Chapter 13: Protect: How to deal with difficult people
  • Chapter 14: Engage: How to turn people on

What’s Next? More Digital Bonuses
Corporate Workshops Appendix: Microexpression Flash Cards Acknowledgments Notes Index

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About Matheus Puppe